The Living Fully Therapy Feedback Model
Giving feedback to others is one of the more difficult dynamics we have to navigate as humans and yet I have yet to meet someone who has been explicitly taught AND shown how to give another person feedback. This weekend I will be conducting a group session about the Living Fully Therapy Feedback Model to help foster a team culture where feedback is welcome and given mindfully. Now, I'm not referring to general prompt to re-focus an individual (i.e. Susan, you're singing a G when it is a G#), I'm talking about the feedback that if given, the hope is to create our version of better outcome.
Below is a synopsis of the Living Fully Therapy Feedback Model, that I've developed in my years of working in and with leadership and communication. I have taught to organizations, groups, teams & individual leaders for you to log away as a tool to use for when you may need it:
1) Check yourself — Are you in a grounded emotional place where you can give feedback? Or are tensions still high? If so, best to wait until that wave has passed. Not doing so is inviting an argument. Allow yourself to take time to calm down, it’s like putting on your oxygen mask first.
2) Ask yourself "what am I hoping to get out of this conversation?" or "do I have an idea for a solution to share?" — It is important to know what you want before you give feedback — do you want to make amends or for circumstance to improve (i.e. “I’d want for us to get along better”)? Do you want to make a suggestion (i.e. “I have an idea to make it better”)? Do you want to acknowledge them (i.e. “I appreciate that trait about you”)?
3) Practice and/or write it out first — Telling ourselves that we'll get it right the first time is like declaring we'll run a marathon when we've been spending most of our days for the past year binge watching Netflix and eating Oreos. Not saying it's impossible, just highly improbable. I’ve found that the format has worked best for many others.
“When you/we.. (action) I feel.. (feeling) - I want to.. (what I want out of conversation)”
4) Ask for permission — We are busy people and for many of us, it can be a sort of "rude awakening" for another person to receive feedback; how many of us actually ENJOY getting feedback that is critical? This can sound like "Hey Jill, I'd like to give you some feedback, would right now be a good time for you to hear it?" Another way is to say this is, "Hey Jill, are you open to feedback right now?". And if they say no, "Alright, thanks for letting me know when would be a better time?" then confirm it works for your schedule and follow up then.
5) LISTEN FIRST -- Listening begets listening. Listen without thinking about what you will say after the other person is done speaking and be sure to check for understanding (i.e. "What I hear you saying is... is that correct?" Once you're on the same page, respond to their side with your "When you.. I feel..." statement , which may shift because of new information you receive -- or not. However, doing things in this order can engender the other persons to return that listening in kind.
6) Say "Thank You" -- Giving feedback and having conversations around feedback can be a real challenge, especially if you tend to be a more "go with the flow person" or a caregiver who takes care of others who thinks of others first. Thank yourself for having the courage (doesn't need to be aloud) and thank them for being open to feedback. Doing so will indicate to both of your minds a closure of the conversation and provide a reparative experience making similar future conversations more workable.
Did you try this model out? I'd love to hear about it -- you can email me at cynthia@iamlivingfully.com